The Year of PLAY

My New Years practice is to choose a word for the year, and let it guide me. I’ve done this for a few years, and this always gives me intention and direction, even if only for a few months. It’s always fun and it’s always helpful.

This year, New Years passed me by without much of the usual intention setting and fanfare. I was busy. I was working. I was distracted.

This month, my word for 2018 found me. It sneaked up on me with a damn water gun, tapped me on the shoulder, and gave me a good soaking. Friends, my word for 2018 is...

Play!

This year, I make PLAY a priority. I know there is work to be done. I know there are bills to pay and marches to attend and movements to continue and necessary change for which to fight. I know this and I value it and I will be there, too.

But that's not all I'm going to do with my life this year. If 2016 was a year of worrying what would come and 2017 was a year of shock and trauma and activism, this year I choose JOY. If I'm going to be any good for anyone in the world, most of all myself and the people I love, I am choosing to set my eyes toward play and joy-making for the sheer fun of it. I will play without feeling like it’s selfish, I’ll play when I feel anxious, I’ll play when I’ve worked hard and it’s time to walk away, I’ll make play time as important as paying bills.

This tree is in the middle of the Masai Mara in Kenya. Our safari driver stopped here so we could have a picnic. Zebras. Everywhere. Wildebeest, too. Rhinos in the distance. Hippos bathing nearby. All my insides said, "YOU MUST CLIMB THAT TREE." Before I could come up with a bunch of reasons not to, I climbed the damn tree. It was awesome.

I will not become too busy to play. For the sake of my brain, my heart, my soul, my relationships, my work, my way of being in the world, may 2018 be the year of eyes and arms wide open, head thrown back in laughter, sense- indulging PLAY!

The next chapter of Begin Again will come out of this word. I can't wait to bring you workshops, events and GETAWAYS (OMG LET'S GO ON A TRIP TOGETHER) designed to give you permission to play your dear, sweet heart out. In all the coming together we're doing to create and be strong and put out good work in the world, I am so excited to dedicate time and energy this year to creating spaces for us to PLAY. 

Stay tuned, family! 

Grace and Peace!

Abi

"I think this trip is going to change my life."

Abi's deep red hair falls in long waves over her shoulders. She walks lightly, confidently, with her eyes wide and her chin up. You wouldn't know by looking at her the heartbreak that brought her from a small, coastal town in England to the jungles of Northern Thailand. You wouldn't know about the Christmas tree farm where she grew up, or the crushing routine and perfectly crafted image she's breaking free of just to breathe again. You wouldn't know about the broken memories she left at home, along with her wedding ring; all remnants of what had been before her husband did some wandering of his own.

She nearly stayed home. If her parents and friends had their way, I wouldn't have met the girl with the long red hair on the bus. But she did leave. She picked up her shattered heart and packed away the pieces, along with a few tank tops and rompers, and headed to the last place she felt truly free.

She's finding her way home to herself.

Wait... How'd You Afford That?

One of my favorite podcasts is from the team at WNYC and NPR, called Death, Sex, and Money. Anna Sale hosts conversations about, as she says, "Things we think about a lot and need to talk about more." They do a lot of talking about... well... death, sex, and money. The things we really want to talk about are, often, the things we're definitely not supposed to talk about. 

Let's talk about something we're not supposed to talk about. One of my best friends, a person who has known me for half our lives, a friend I can call at any time for any reason at all, asked me how in the hell I'm able to afford this little journey halfway around the world. My dearest friend had no idea how I came up with the money, and if she didn't then you sure as hell don't. Instagram glamorizes all this, and we don't know - and don't always need to know - the way a person affords to live. But I am committed to making sure this project is honest. I will not let this be a place where people compare their reality to what they think my reality is- and find themselves lacking. There's plenty of that online. I'm here to tell the truth, and I won't ask others to be transparent if I'm not willing to do the same. So, let's settle in, grab a glass of wine, and get a little uncomfortable.

When I was 22 and making "real money" after college for the first time, I started a long term savings account. (22 year old me also bought a house. She was far more financially stable than 30 year old me, I assure you.) I cannot thank 22 year old me enough for making the decision to stash some money away. When 26 year old me sold that house, a little over $5000 went into long term savings. And by long term savings, I mean retirement. It was a retirement account. I wasn't going to tell you that, because it makes the next part of the story seem reckless. Did I mention 22 year old me was the financially stable one? 

Anyways, 30 year old me has a car payment and a camper payment, and some credit card debt because of a couple really lean years when some things just had to go on the card. She also doesn't have a reliable source of income because she's a yoga teacher and, despite the appearances of glamour and spandex dreams, we HUSTLE, y'all. Your yoga teacher usually makes between $30-$50 teaching those group classes you love so much. If that's his or her only job, you do the math. I remember one of my friends, a well known and dearly loved yoga teacher in Nashville, once told me, "I would love to break the $30k/ year barrier." This person was 32. She had been teaching for years. If you practice yoga at a studio, there is a very good chance you make more than your instructor makes.

I'm not mad about it, I chose to do work that filled my heart but not my bank account. All of this is simply to make it clear that, no, I am not independently wealthy. I am not even debt free. I haven't had a salary in years and I haven't had health insurance since 2016. I am not a person who travels because she is rich.

I am a person who travels because I spend any spare money I do happen to have on travel. I don't shop. My closet looks very much the same as it did 2, 3, 4 years ago. I try not to be too attached to things. If I need to sell stuff to buy a flight, I sell stuff. I collect miles on my Southwest card. I have a couple of savings accounts and put $25-$50 away each week, depending on how much wiggle room I have in my budget. I took a side job at a bakery. I have spent years learning how to work the flight booking system. And, in order to go on this once in a lifetime adventure, I damn near cashed out that retirement account. 

That's right. I did the one thing you're never, ever supposed to do. I took out almost (almost) all of the money from that retirement account to have some money to live on while I work on this project. I believe in it. I don't know if it will generate any income, but I can't not do this. This dream chose me. It has to actualize or it will leave me and find someone else to make it. I can't very well have that.

I have had to hold my beliefs about money with an open hand. Sometimes, I'll have plenty of it. Sometimes, I won't have much at all. I can't let the amount of money I do or do not have at a given moment determine how fully I live. Trust me, my fear has insisted many times, most often at about 4am, that I have lost my mind and I'm headed for financial ruin and WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?! I have battled serious shame about credit card debt. I have gone toe to toe with the expectations 22 year old me had of 30 year old me- and I almost always walk away from that conversation at least a little bruised. 22 year old me was smart and careful, but she was also pretty scared. She wanted to do all the right things in the right order, and do them as quickly as possible so everyone would know how grown up she was. 30 year old me is brave. She's a little reckless, but it's because she has seen fear get her absolutely nowhere. She's tired of nowhere. She's done caring what people think, and she's fully committed to following her guts and her feet. 

Maybe 40 year old me will be smart and careful and brave all at the same time. We'll have to wait and see. For now, for those of you who have seen these posts and the Instagram shots and wondered what I did to afford 10 days in NYC and a trip around the world... Well, kids. I did what your parents will tell you not to ever, ever do. I'm quite literally going for broke in order to chase this dream and birth this thing I feel growing in my heart.

Also, and this matters, I'm staying at a kind and generous friend's apartment while he travels, himself. All I had to pay for was a flight and food. I have purchased many groceries, fam. I am not eating out every night in the fabulous and fabulously expensive NYC. I'm headed to a city in Thailand where you can live for $500-$600/ month- including lodging. This is a budget trip, ya'll. Nobody is staying at the Four Seasons, right now.

So that's how I'm able to afford it. Why spill these beans? Why talk about money? Because it is so important to me you know this is space where the truth matters. I know what it feels like to feel inadequate, like the dreams you want to chase are out of reach because of logistics or money or fear. The only difference between me a few years ago and me now is I'm simply refusing to stay afraid. Being afraid didn't get me anywhere. Hoarding my money didn't make me rich. I'm shifting my priorities. Right now I'm at a time when I don't have a whole lot of money. But I am so, so happy. I am alive and excited, my time is my own, I have a vision and project, and I am so happy. 

I also don't have any children or adults depending on the money I bring in. So, if I fuck this up, the stakes aren't terribly high.

But if I nail it.. y'all... if I nail it?! It will all have been worth it.

Here's to taking chances and telling the scary, ugly, beautiful truth.

Old Love, New Adventure

Before girlfriends and boyfriends and shacking up with Bae, there was The World.

I don't remember my first flight, it was likely in utero, but I do have early memories of my first flights alone, flying back and forth from Nashville to Texas or Florida to visit family. I was one of those kids with a bulky "Unaccompanied Minor" tag hanging around her neck for years, carefully dropped at the gate to be watched over by flight attendants until an approved adult could collect me on the other side. I don't remember being afraid, although I might have been. I do remember feeling utterly swept off my feet. Hopelessly, rapturously, passionately in love with being "on my way". Leaving home, being on the road, seeing new places, living in different cities, hearing languages and accents, walking through history and culture and nature unlike my own... this is still the thing that makes me feel fully alive. 

Berlin, 2015. Fully alive.

My family has always been solidly middle class. We drive used cars, we have cozy, modest homes, we save more than we splurge... but by God, we love to travel. Any good fortune we have had to see the world has not been because of extravagant wealth, although I certainly understand and appreciate the privilege of being able to travel. No, we were able to travel as a family growing up because my dad's job kept him in good standing and many thousands of miles with American Airlines. Because of his work, the currency of which we did have plenty- and which remains worth more to me than gold- was Frequent Flier miles. 

My most treasured childhood memories are on the road. My brother, Alex, and I in the back of our mother's blue Ford Aerostar, and later the red Chevy Astro, quilts and pillows and blankets where the middle bench seat had been, a small portable TV/VCR combo wedged in between the seats up front. I couldn't tell you how many times we watched Mulan, or how many Ding Dongs we went through on those drives. We would pile into the back of the van, carefully construct our nests of pillows and Gameboys and handmade quilts, and watch as Tennessee or Texas, Alabama or Arkansas flew by.

Sometimes, if dad had flown enough for work that year, we would pack up and fly someplace wild and magical like Santa Barbara. One year, what we thought would be an exotic Caribbean vacation turned into a rain- soaked week in a cabin on the lake in Norman, Oklahoma. At the time, considering the alternative, we were less impressed. Looking back on it, I wouldn't trade that soggy week cooped up in that cabin with my people for anything. It was paradise. (PS: Remember paddle boats, and the bacon in the microwave that caught fire? "Look at it! Look at it!")

For me, and maybe for all of us in the Jackson gypsy wagon, it wasn't ever necessarily about where we were going. The rush, the adrenaline, the dopamine surge always came from the act of going itself. For as long as I can remember, I have been in love with the going. The being in new places. The exploring and the colors and the tastes and smells and textures and pure sensuality of it all. I am in fully love with The World, and most alive when I'm getting to know her better. Wanderlust, some call it. It's deep and powerful and insatiable, like the best kind of high.

So, I'm headed to explore and feel and experience a part of her I haven't, yet. I'm going to Southeast Asia, on a one way ticket to spend some time with my First Love, again. I'm going to get to know the mountains and the trees and the waterfalls, but also the people and the history. I don't have much planned, but I'm taking my camera and a mic. I'm going to talk to as many people as I can, and share their stories with you.  I'll start in Thailand and see where the road takes me. I have some ideas, some contacts, some great advice from travel bloggers I follow, but I'm letting the Wanderlust in my gut take the lead. She hasn't let me down, yet.

I can't wait to share this new adventure and the stories of people I meet on the road. If you know someone living or working or creating in that part of the world, and you think we should meet, I would love to hear from you!

I hope you'll stay in touch and follow along!